Because I have a prayer.

I was watching Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban and Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire last evening. Both movies were played in succession on the ABC Family channel. I'm assuming they did this to raise hype over the upcoming Harry Potter and the Half-Blood(ed) Prince movie... whose tickets I have already bought!

I realize that both GoF and PoA were disappointing the second time I watched them. (Third time? Fourth? Fifth?) I think that the screenwriter and director tried to capture something other than the nuanced experience. You cannot simply throw a cast together, add in SFX, and then write in some of the more important scenes... that lacks something.

Literature and cinema will always be siblings at odds, I feel. If one shares their idea with the other, the other is bound to toy around with it until it takes a form that they are satisfied with. Therefore, I don't expect to walk into any Harry Potter movie (least of all, the sixth) and be completely satisfied. But it's painful to admit that.

In other news: I may get a job with Emory Marketing.

In other news: I did something not so good...

In other news: I CAN MAKE COFFEE IN MY APARTMENT NOW!!

I propositioned my father. I said: "I don't fly home from now until Christmas, that saves us approximately 400 bucks on plane tickets. In exchange, will you pay for my parking pass?"

He said no deal. In response, perhaps in my own form of silent protest, I will not fly home for Thanksgiving break. I have already spent a birthday away from the family, therefore, I do not see how Thanksgiving spent away from family will be any more difficult. While I may get lonely, while I may starve that day... I'm broke, and I can't afford a parking pass. I do not want to hold it over my parent's head, but we've already argued about so much and my continued defeats are costing me big bucks. I'm angry at them. And I want them to feel it too.

Unfortunately, if someone is going to suffer, it'll be my mother, but she supported my father's too-late-paternalistic attempt to buy me a "secure" car as opposed to an "affordable" car. Do I owe her much else?

Hell, if you want to pay for an over-priced plane ticket as opposed to an over-priced parking pass, that's just a matter of eggs or egg-whites. So be it.

In other news: The final report has a number! The number is 15,000 words. That's NOTHING. That's crap. That's this blog. What I originally thought was going to be a GARGANTUAN task of extrapolating data that isn't quite... there... has become the reverse. Now, I'll be editing out student and administrator voices over a whole spectrum of issues. We may only be able to hone in holistically on big issues, leaving the last few sentences of each paragraph to other pertinent issues on campus. It's nice to now that the goal line is so much closer, but a lot will be lost in the chaos. I have confidence though that Peter and I will be able to get into the report what will create the greatest change. I can only hope that efforts to assess the undergraduate experience in the future pick up successfully where we left off.

In other news... Brandon and I are planning to see HP6 when it opens in theatres next week. I may, however, venture out to see Bruno sooner. I'm very excited to see that movie.

IN OTHER NEWS: On the to-buy list is:
Fruit.
Pants that aren't jeans.
Conditioner.
Bioshock (for PS3).
Some books on Higher Ed.

I started smoking again. Hopefully, this will be my last.

Last Tuesday, I very stupidly FORGOT—like a stoner's forget—about two very important meetings. First was the PresComm for LGBT issues... the orientation. Second was the Student Panel for admitted students. Mind you, it was a Tuesday and Tuesday's have been my busiest day this past semester, but that's no excuse, especially because the former event was written into my calendar for a month or so.

This past week has been spent chained to a computer, surrounded by books. Fortunately, I have been making strides with my papers; I owe it to selecting great topics. I've been ahead of the game, up until now, where's it's a deadlocked race and if I hesitate for a second (ie, right now) I will fall behind.

Organizations & Society Final has been rescheduled for tomorrow. I feel guilty considering I am probably NOT leaving this Friday, as originally planned, but I just haven't been able to finish all the work.

This Saturday though, I'm more or less done. It's more or less over.

I cannot ensure my continued happiness if I am not appointed to student concerns chair for Council. this is my last shot for this year.

I really want it. I interviewed great. I think they really want me to do it.

I hear back this Monday evening. I had to have gotten it...

Had to...

Currently, Reema and Nik are facing off in the run-offs for CC Pres.

If Reema wins, I think i'm 90% in. If Nik wins, I cannot fathom my chances for grabbing an executive position.

We'll have to wait and see.

From a sociological standpoint, it's interesting though. Elizabeth is helping Reema, and eagerly so. She made a point about how she didn't want to lose the "three years" of progress she made helping to shape CC to what it is today. She's trying her hardest to put CC into capable handles, to reproduce the CC that she has helped to build and she loves dear.

And I can't exactly blame her either.

My schedule.

Just so that I can say I've given an update on this, I'm currently 2 for 6 on my schedule for next year. I managed to grab Geology with Lab (Earth Science Rd. 2!!!!!) and Drawing II. I'm a sure-in for Creative Writing; I'm listed as taking the class (but I still need the permission number).

Long story short, what still eludes me is Swimming and Societies and Culture. I plan to get both. I really need Culture though otherwise, I'm going to have to settle for some shitty SOC class I don't wanna take.

That's saddening...

I'm exhausted.

So Valkyria Chronicles is one of the better things that happened to me for the year 2008.

The game is a strategy-RPG-pseudo shooter and that is part of its charm. Your militia has access to five different character "job"-types: scout (balanced yet highly reliable), stormtrooper (carries the automatic), lancer (fights tanks), engineers (heals everyone), and sniper (no explanation necessary). Oh and you have tanks too.

My biggest gripe with the classes are that they weren't balanced well. Every character has a limit to how much they can move from a Point A to a Point B in one turn. You have a gauge, when you walk, that gauge depletes. When that gauge is empty you're stuck where you are. Snipers have the smallest gauge, followed by STs and Lancers, then Engineers, and finally Scouts.

It's incredibly annoying because MOVING your camp becomes a huge hassle. Having a ST or a Lancer cover a Scout's ground in a single turn isn't possible. If I move my Scout from point A to point B utilizing all my walking gauge, it will take the Lancer/ST three turns to get there. What were they thinking?

I UNDERSTAND that you can't just give the most powerful classes the greatest mobility. BUT, the current system is flawed because the Scouts can handle pretty well themselves. Therefore, at that point, you're asking yourself "Why do I have STs to begin with?" (Lancers can more easily be justified, but they are still a pain in the backside to mobilize).

There's a time and place for everyone in this game but the scouts shine through the most. It's frustrating because I've also been about having a time and place for EVERY character but it just isn't ideal in VC.

Still, I love it.

I want to delete my facebook and have good reason to. I'm not using it for my election. I've decided against it. So it is now—officially—meaningless to have it available.

As I've reminded myself for the umpteenth time it's a terrible instrument of self-pity and procrastination. What do I do when I'm on facebook? Judge people, spy on ex-boyfriends, and avoid my Drawing homework for two more hours. See what I'm inching towards? It is absolutely worthless, facebook. From my perspective, at least.

When I quickly logged on today I saw that they redid their Interface. I was horrified. The original Interface changed—the one that everyone was reviled over—was decent. But the new one lacks any and all design sense that I know exists. It's a dilapidated mess of buttons, icons, pictures, and thumbnails flying at you in all directions. It's facebook gosh-darnit, that's what it's about! Social immersion!

Which is another reason why the new design was utterly affronting to me; I love you all but I really do not want to know what you are doing what you are doing with every second of your life. (Don't think I'm counting you out of this, Twitter!) I really don't see the point. I do not know what other important people in my life are doing; I don't know what my sisters are doing, what my mother is doing, what my father is doing, or what my three best friends are doing. I really do not need to know. Usually, in times when I remain ignorant of what they are doing... everything is fine. No one dies. Order remains. Peace reigns over the galaxy. I don't feel disconnected or socially suffocated because I've been denied someone's 160 (180?) character sentence telling me that they are doing X with Y in Z. I do not understand why you all feel like you need to subject yourself to that for so many hours in a day. Is it interesting? Hardly; the majority of your life is mundane because the majority of your life is probably spent just getting by.

And we all know how that is.

Plus it's a soul-sucking leech on the side of culture. What we're seeing with facebook is visual and artistic pollution. Facebook has billions of photos and probably only a fraction of a percent of those is quality enough to be considered worth archiving let alone, artistic. (And if your response is: "Well I don't take photograph to make art," my question to you is, "Your life isn't interesting or meaningful enough to become art at the single snap of a camera?") Facebook profiles are saturated with either A, the non-conformists, B, the ones who don't realize they are projecting a message of just how dull and woebegone they really are or, C, the ones who have wasted all our times by not filling the profile in. (Who do you think you are!?) Facebook is a mishmosh of virtually everything Western society is: individuals who really aren't all that individual-like.

And that's kinda why I hate it.

So upon my brief return to facebook after months of break, I felt alienated. While it very quickly drew me in, it was awkward. It was also strange, perhaps titillating! With facebook being so foreign to me at the point of my return, I immediately realized just how voyeuristic it was. Why was I looking at your conversations? Why did I care about your interests outside the ones you share and normally advertise, and how do your pictures to Rome really deserve fifteen minutes of my life? I'm sorry. I apologize. I can't possibly understand the appeal. If anything, facebook has become revolting to me. I don't want to know. I want to live, I don't want to "network" and that's sadly what life is becoming I fear.

Anyway, the point of this lament is that I'm still so shackled to the mere illusion that I still need facebook that I have scared myself into not deleting it. "But how will you make friends at the upcoming chapter in your life," I shout in my head. My answer should be just as loud: "The old fashion way!" I again lament that I don't need a facebook. I again repeat that I find its presence increasingly encroaching upon the most basic privacy of any and all who own one. And I again say—as I say with many other activities—you could be spending your time doing many, many more interesting, important, or productive things.

Like reading actual books. Or staring at the actual faces of others. I don't know; skies the limit.

There's this gorgeous boy sitting next to me. He's the one with the curly hair and the sunken eyes. he's tall and thin. I absolutely love to stare at him. It's like high school all over again.

I sometimes wonder about him. I saw him pop a pill once. He's a little gaunt. Maybe there's a story to be had.

Fuck. I wish life didn't hurt this much.

http://digg.com/comedy/Crying_Sorority_Girl_sets_Fire_alarm_trying_to_make_Snow_LOL
Some guy got a great blowjob later that night. (160)
Those are always better when the girl is crying... (110)

I was just curious, my dearest Matthieu where my "I'm sorry I slept with Tom and Sam during Fall Semester," apology speech is. I'm also curious where my, "I'm sorry I instilled a false confidence to you about my health, even though I turned out to be very unclean," apology speech is. And I'm also still searching for my, "I'm sorry I was a complete hypocrite about drinking when I chastised you for drinking that night, with my friends, (something I did often), but then proceeded to leave for Italy where I drank almost every night, coming home to my dorm more often drunk, than not."

And Bee-Tea-Double-You, Jungle Juice (your Birthday drink of Kings) is a popular drink for getting young, petite, attractive girls intoxicated past all reason, so that large frat boys can accost them into sex. If not outright rape them.

I think you're a silly fool. I think you're a silly boy. I'm so glad that you had fun in Italy. Completely disregard the feelings I had, about everything and anything, in your absence. Completely disregard the loneliness I felt while you were away and, while we're at it, why don't we talk about your failed attempts at, what did you say we were aiming to do? Making it less hard on ourselves during the inevitable split come December?

Oh wait. The rugged, mature, I've been through the fiery throngs of love dashing Italian wasn't able to foresee that inviting me for sleepovers two weeks prior to his departure would make me more attached.

And you took AP Mathematics? Surprising, seeing the logic-processing part of your brain appears broken.

But you know, it's funny. Funny that ultimately you'll always have something in the end because I've given it to you, and cannot take it back. Well go ahead and have it love because one thing you don't have is victory, nor common sense. While I rarely enlist the opinions of outsiders to assist me with my quibbles and quarrels, everyone, save the exception of one, thought you were short a few pallinas in your anger. And while certainly, (oh absolutely), justified in your anger over the relationship that occurred without your knowing, your prolonged anger has only served to hurt me and alienate us.

And we hit it off so well that night you returned. Or did you forget that? Did you forget the hug you so willingly gave me as I stood before my closet? That affectionate embrace that served as the seed for so much more that evening. Remember, love, I was the one who offered to take up the sleeping bag. I didn't accost you into anything you didn't willingly give to me.

Matthew , go back to your Italian Paradise and leave reality to the sensible.

This photo final will be the death of me.

Reene: Would you make love to me?
Geir: No. Should I?
:You're stupid Geir! You're so stupid!
: You don't live my life. You can't possibly know my flaws.

___

Reene: I'm so hungry.
Adel: So eat.
Reene: But I'll get fat...
Adel: You're just gonna... blah.
Reene: What?
Adel: Nothing. Wallow in the love of your body.
Reene: It's the only thing that really appreciates me.

_____

Denzel: These layouts are all screwed up.
Daisuke: You can figure it out!
:It's not that easy Dai. This is a lot of work, the deadline is tomorrow, and I'm already exhausted.
:Than come on! I'll stay here with you. I'll fix these up.
:...You're not gonna do that.
:I'm already editing the file.
:...

_____

Daisuke: If I kissed you?
Mnemo: Just don't.
Daisuke: I want to.
Mnemo: You can't always get what you want.
:Is that what you said to Nora when she begged for her virginity?
:Shut up.

_____

Erin: IT'S COLD
Sebastion: So?
Erin: ...IT'S STILL COLD.

_____

In reading some of the argument about the disparities between men and women in college, I still would argue that it's a rising concern.

One blogger on the web voiced an interesting concern about the idea that men have more options then women when it comes to working without a college degree. This is true: there are a great many more options for men without diplomas then women. At least, more options as far as CULTURE is concerned. A women who raised the Prodigal middle finger to our patriarchal society, gets into a gym, and secure a well-paying carpentry job is obviously a step ahead of her female compatriots. But still, not that many women do that. Not that many women, I imagine, want to do that.

(And I could dive into all the control that is exerted by culture, but I won't).

But still, I have to disagree with this one individual who said that men have less incentives to go to college. For one, I think that assertion can be explored even FURTHER, and two, the incentives listed (mainly labor jobs, military jobs, etc.) are actually, from a practical, even economical standpoint, not as good as going into an occupation or a professoin with a degree.

Why? AGE.

The body is imperfect. Durh. Jobs with difficult physical labor are not something you can continue for that long. Furthermore, if you work on a commission basis, you have no financial security at the end of your days, when you're incapable or unwilling to work. Put simply, as you age, you become less capable to carry out the more demanding jobs of law enforcement, military service, carpentry, metallurgy... whatever. Some might be quick to argue that those positions, too, will often their long time standing members more clerical positions, more administrative positions when they've earned them. But chances are, only a few are going to get those jobs. Even more interesting: what if someone with a degree gets the administrative position, then what?

To go back to my point about exploring his assertion more... I think a lot can be said about why men feel that college is unnecessary. I think it goes past options. I think it goes to image too. What is said about you when you are scholarly? Is it favorable? Is that a manly image for boys in today's society? How many women were lining up to have sex with Socrates, might be the better question. (And actually, many men were very, very eager to have sex with Socrates). I think that for many men, the thought of more books, more long hours in a library, more time spent in front of tests is unappealing. It's more than just "I can get a good job not going to college." OBVIOUSLY. Furthermore, it's also a well-known truth that unless you work hard outside of college, you will go nowhere, degree, doctorate, or otherwise. So really, I think that point is moot entirely.

I think a candidate's desire to go to Higher Level education is more built on personal preference, influenced by culture, than it is influenced by the practicality of the choice of going to college.

At least that's my two cents.

Lotta say.

A GO GO.

-AC Allies event is very stressful, but almost finished. This would not have been possible without Grace, Dan's donation, or Nancy's assistance.

-SGA drama, but I love Kristen so it doesn't matter.

-Yearbook... T.T

-I'm not applying to Wesleyan. I'm missing the deadline. It's this Friday and... there is absolutely no way. No way.

-I want to go to Yale with all my heart, soul, life force, and vitality combined.

-Kyle is away in Cali.

-Iain is away in Boston.

-Matt is away in Italy.

-/sigh

Life is good.

Watching my roommate eat is like watching a fucking dog eating.

I can't stand eating. I can't stand watching pigs eat.

It fucking bothers me.

It's January 29th, and the ventilation system just came to a roar.

Somewhere between blowing my ears out, missing Matt to tears, reading about rape, signing up for a sixth class, discussing serious politics in SGA, and getting into fights with my mother, I have found a serenity that comes with my own life.

Where does it come from, I wonder? How did I get it? How does so much peace exist in my own chaos?

I don't know but I think I understand. This is living. I'm living. I'm actually doing the life I always wanted and while demanding, it is fulfilling.

If I could change one thing and disregard respect, I would say that I want my friend back here, sitting right next to me. I wish I did not feel this way but it's the truth. It will be a difficult semester and whats worse is that I might try to fill the hole that is there by his absence.

I need to be strong. I don't know if he's being strong because he might not even care, in which case, I'm wasting my time.

I don't know what to think or believe anymore. Only that I want to be elsewhere and not here. At the same time... this is where I belong, for now, if only know. I somehow know this to be true because I feel like I still have something worth accomplishing here. I am not really thinking as I type this, just letting it flow.

I don't want to fight with my mother but I just find that what she did is unforgiveable. I will regret, probably until my death bed, my decision to stay home on that Saturday. It was stupid. It was not the type of recklessness that I promised myself in my, now, fleeting years of childhood.

All this aside, I'm considering majoring in sociology.

Falling in and out of funks over Matt is going to screw up my focus on school, which needs to be unrelenting, now.

I need to do well. I want a good GPA. These are objective marks of intelligence, something I feel I already am... a number on paper will further this. Is it fair? No. A paper with some ink marks truly says nothing, at the same time, too I refuse to sit by and coast. I will do the work. I will study the material. I will take something out of my classes and bring it with me into the real world.

And getting a "C" for a class does not scream accomplishment.

Psychology: "...and people like sex."
Sociology: "...people will have crazy rituals, for sex"
Bianca: "Let's go to da' club!"

Yes. Let's watch people grind and hump! Being at IT was like watching Tigers mate. In everyway possible. You had one's that were really popular with shiny coats and glossy eyes and wide hops and you had the male tigers who were tall and well-built, with stern looks, but still capable of smiling. You had the big female tigers who were both feared and avoided and they kind of just... spun in a circle all to their own. And then you had the actual ritual of sex dancing.

That is leaving out the practically pitch dark room (makes you look prettier), booming bass (easy rhythms for bad dancers), the droning music (simplifies most conversation because it's too hard to hear), and the alcohol (who doesn't love alcohol?)

I swear to God I'm not taking my Sociology course too seriously. Oh... did I mention I spent over 32 dollars for an experience that was meh at best? Not cool. Not chill.

But I did indeed do it, as I said I would.

I can see one other reason with one other person who I would do it with...

Not taking drawing is , I realize, a decision that extends past the argument that Calculus is a big enough workload. Actually... in just my first homework assignment, I realize Calculus may not be... doable. The year spent outside a math class might just had handicapped me a bit...

But Sociology and Spanish Literature are going to take a lot of my time and for the latter, the amount of time I put into it will be the amount I get out of it and for Spanish it's pretty vital that I take something out of this course. I will probably never be exposed to this much literature. I need that exposure to get better.

Sitting in front of a Computer... ten of nine on a Friday morning, I feel very different. I changed a little last night. I am hypersensitive to these things.

I miss my friends...

In review.

The good: Sociology!
The bad: Spanish...
The good: Graphic Design!
The bad: Drawing...
The bad: CALCULUS. EWW.
The bad: Yale's response to my question, paraphrased: "lolno".
The good: I had the ball's to do it.
The good: Progress on language proposal
The good: as of right now I've officially gotten through all five classes!
The bad: it could be six...
The good: It could be six...
The bad: Prof. Kercher is difficult to work with, I fear.
The good: I think Sociology is gonna start a shitfest.
The good: I think speech will go down a similar path
The good: I GOT COMPLIMENTED BIG TIME IN SPEECH!
The bad: Matt...
The bad: Matthew David Fucking Mello.
The bad: loltalkingtohisex
The good: Iaian!
The bad: Iain...
The good: Spoke to Sara, she's doing well.
The good: I'm getting Leopard. Soon.
The good: I'm eating well and healthy.

Yay club.